Online Privacy Tips For Parents of Teens

Online Privacy for Teens

The prominence of electronic devices and online media has revolutionized how parents and children relate to one another. The access that kids and teens have to electronic devices leaves parents trying to maintain a balance between trusting teens with smartphone access and supervising their behavior to help keep them safe.

Kids and Access to Electronic Devices

Electronic devices - like TVs, video game consoles, handheld video games, tablets, laptops and smartphones - are everywhere, and kids love them. While it is tempting to keep kids busy and quiet by handing over any one of these kinds of media, parents are encouraged by child development specialists of all kinds to restrict their children’s access. Parents are left wondering about how much access kids should have to electronic devices specifically, and all types of media in general.

Even when electronic mediums are designed to help children build important cognitive and academic skills, overexposure can actually cause a great deal of harm, especially in the arena of imaginative play and social skills. Most studies completed on the subject concur that children under the age of two should not be exposed to media at all.

The following infographic touches on the 1 to 4 Rule, a guideline that specifies one additional hour of media access for every four years of a child’s development. For example, if children are four years old, it is recommended that they have no more than one hour of access to electronic devices per day. By the time a child turns eight or older, the limit can increase to no more than two hours per day, and so on.

Why Should Parents Limit Kids' Access to Media?

Because children - and adults - are so taken with electronic devices, they may resist any efforts to restrict access to media. However, there are several important reasons why parents need to make this battle a priority.

●       Restricting children's access to electronics allows parents more time to pay attention to what kinds of content their children are taking in.

●       One-third of the children who have access to the internet via smartphones will experience instances of cyberbullying, but only ten percent will tell a trusted adult.

●       As children grow and develop into teens, they become interested more in their peers' opinions instead of what their parents have to say. Restricted access to media helps balance that tendency.

●       Restricting access gives kids and teens more time to devote to school and homework, friendships, sports, and part-time work.

How Can Parents Enforce These Guidelines?

There are simple ways that parents can enforce the responsibilities required for teens to access their electronic devices.

●       Create a cell phone contract that outlines expectations, responsibilities, and consequences. Meet together as a family and have all both the teens and the parents sign it.

●       Post the cell phone contract prominently so that it can always be accessed and reviewed.

●       Be consistent regarding the expectations and requirements set forth in the agreement.

●       Install monitoring software across electronic devices and review it periodically to keep communication open.

What About Privacy?

Teaching teens how to function online is as important as any other aspect of society, like school, work, and in relationships. The fact of the matter is that there is no such thing as online privacy - once something is posted on the internet, it is forever.

Teens are not developmentally ready to consider the long-term consequences of their actions, and it is up to parents to help their kids out during this stage of life. When parents monitor their teens online, they can stay connected and discuss any dangers or problems that they see, keeping parent-child relationships open and strong.

A teen with access to a smartphone is a sign of independence and trust, but it is also a privilege that requires oversight. It is up to parents to make sure that their children are safe as they navigate the modern world.

For more information, check out the infographic below.

4 Tips for Parents of First-Time Teen Drivers

So, it’s time for your teen to get their driver’s license. While they’re undoubtedly excited, for you this is likely just nerve-wracking. But don’t stress, this process can go smoothly for both of you if you follow some basic tips.

Be a Patient and Open Teacher

Your son or daughter will learn the basics of driving from their Driver’s Ed course and behind-the-wheel lessons with a professional driving instructor, but their most important teacher will be you. The state of Florida requires teen drivers to log 50 hours of supervised driving practice with a parent or guardian, and that means you’ll be giving your teen the most guidance.

Though you may both be nervous and edgy when your teen gets in the front seat, it’s essential that you stay calm and have patience. Yes, mistakes are going to be made. But you have control over how you react to these errors. Yelling will only make things worse; instead, have your teen pull over to the side of the road after a mistake is made, calmly explain what they did wrong, and how to correct it in the future. Be open to any questions your teen may have.

Set a Good Example

Part of being a good teacher includes being a good role model when you’re the one in the driver’s seat. Teens learn by example, and if they see you texting while driving, speeding up to make it through yellow lights, and cutting people off, they will view this as acceptable driving behavior. Be the safe driver you want your teen to be, whether they’re in the car with you or not. Don’t let them pick up your bad habits.

Make Rules and Expectations Clear

Your job doesn’t end as soon as your teen gets their driver’s license. It’s still important that the two of you maintain an open dialogue about driving, and that means discussing driving rules and expectations. A Parent-Teen Driving Contract is a great resource that can help you and your son or daughter come to an agreement on things like driving curfew, having passengers in the car, and more. This way the two of you establish what is and isn’t okay before your teen gets out on the road on their own.  

Trust Them

Ultimately, you just need to trust that your teen is going to make the right decisions. Handing over the keys can be tough when you’re a parent, but you need to allow your teen to prove that they can be a responsible driver. They’ve earned their driver’s license, which means they’re capable of applying safe-driving techniques when they’re behind the wheel. Have faith in them, and be proud that you taught them well.

About the Author:

Kelly Larsen is a copywriter for I Drive Safely, provider of online traffic school and driver’s education. With over 15 years’ experience in the field of safe driving, I Drive Safely has provided exceptional online courses to millions of new drivers, drivers looking to handle a traffic ticket and clear their diving record, and drivers looking to save money on auto insurance. To find out more or sign up, please visit http://www.idrivesafely.com/. 

Co-occurring Disorders in Teens

Drug abuse is a serious problem for teenagers in the United States, but many people fail to realize that drug and alcohol addiction is often accompanied by a mental health condition such as depression, post traumatic stress disorder, or bipolar disorder. When drug or alcohol addiction is compounded by a mental illness, they are known as co-occurring disorders.

 Co-occurring disorders are very common, but only about 10 percent of adults who suffer from them receive treatment for both conditions. To make matters worse, over half of them receive no treatment at all. The problem with treating co-occurring disorders is that most specialists do not focus on treating both substance abuse and mental illness. Many professionals also focus entirely on which condition came first, something that is often impossible to determine; depression or PTSD may drive someone to drugs or alcohol, but substance abuse can also lead to mental illness. It is important to address and treat both conditions.

Treating the Person, Not the Illness

The key to treating a person with co-occurring disorders is to address the whole person. Many treatment options for both mental and physical illnesses only attempt to alleviate the symptoms of the illness. That may appear to work in the short-term, but it doesn't get to the root of the problem. In the case of co-occurring disorders, a young man or woman may be able to kick a bad drug or alcohol habit with treatment, but it doesn't mean much if an untreated mental illness is what drove them to use in the first place. They could have problems later in life because of this, not the least of which is a relapse of their substance abuse problem.

As much as some people may believe otherwise, mental health isn't an exact science. No two people are alike, and no two people will use drugs or alcohol for the same reason. An effective treatment for co-occurring disorders must address not just the substance abuse or the mental illness; it must get to the heart of why a young person is having problems.

Treatment Options

Treating a mental illness is difficult in the best circumstances; what works wonders for one person may be ineffective for someone else. In many cases, finding an effective treatment for a mental health issue is all about evaluating different options to see what works. Things become even more complicated when a mental illness is combined with a substance abuse problem. Still, there have been some treatments that have proven to be more effective than others in addressing co-occurring disorders.

Medication is often helpful in treating conditions such as bipolar disorder and depression, and many of them have proven effective in fighting withdrawal symptoms, making it easier for recovering addicts to stay clean. Another treatment option that has proven to be very effective is psychodynamic psychotherapy. This addresses the person’s feelings and beliefs that are being numbed by the drug abuse in relation to their personal history and unconscious mind. It essentially treats the entire person and addresses their unique situation, something a teenager with co-occurring disorders desperately needs.

This article was written by health blogger Laura Green.  She really stresses the importance of treating co-occurring disorders, and not just one or the other.  Click here for more treatment options. 

2013 In Review: What Teens Had To Deal with In 2013

Teen trends have always seems wacky, silly and sometimes downright scary for parents. Adolescence is a time to explore new things and gain independence from parental authority, so teens readily embrace fads and trends that appear to help them on their way. However, while most trends are benign, there are some that can actually be dangerous or harmful to teens.

Here is a list of harmful teen trends and fads that were popular in 2013:

Hand Sanitizer:

Teens drink hand sanitizer, which has large amounts of ethyl alcohol, to get a buzz, similar to cough syrup or mouthwash a few years ago.

Vampire Bites:

Inspired by the media vampire rage over the past few years, teens are actually drawing blood from a girlfriend or boyfriend’s neck after a few love nibbles and drinking blood as a sign of devotion.

Stunts for Online Viewing:

Whether it’s video of vandalizing, daredevil stunts, practical jokes or other wacky event, teens frequently video their activities and post them online, even though some of them are either mean, destructive or downright dangerous.

Cyberbullying:

When teens take to social media to shame, manipulate, embarrass or harass another, it’s cyberbullying and many states have enacted laws to make the activity criminal.

Salt and Ice Challenge:

Teens love to engage in strength and stamina contests, and the salt and ice challenge requires teens to hold a mixture of salt and ice for as long as possible before the burning and pain is too much to bear and the skin receives second degree cold burns.

Cinnamon Challenge:

Another stamina challenge is to eat a tablespoon of powdered cinnamon then try to swallow it without drinking, while other teens laugh at the victim’s choking, gagging and irritated eyes.

Car Stunts:

From surfing on the top of a moving car to riding in the trunk to avoid detection, when teens and cars combine for stunts, it quickly becomes dangerous, harmful and in some cases, fatal.

Vodka Eyeballing:

To avoid trouble with parents who might smell alcohol on the breath, many teens are eyeballing vodka, or pouring a shot over the eyeball where blood vessels carry it into the bloodstream.

Choking High:

Teens looking for a free high cut off circulation around the neck using a belt, sock or their hands, then enjoy the sensation as the blood rushes back, however the game can lead to passing out, brain damage and sometimes even death.

Sexting:

Sending explicit photos of themselves or others can get teens into a lot of trouble as more states are increasing in awareness of this growing trend and linking it with distributing child pornography.

Knockout Game:

This new activity involves teens trying to knock out an unsuspecting person with a single punch, and it has already resulted in several deaths and multiple hospitalizations across the country.  

Parents who are concerned that their impressionable teen may be tempted to participate in some of these growing trends should take the time to communicate about the consequences of the actions. 

Parents should stress the dangers involved and give teens some ideas of how to get out of situations where their friends are pressuring them to join in. Once teens understand that the long-term effects— many of them harmful—are not worth it, it just may give them the courage to resist.

Tyler Jacobson is a freelance writer who writes primarily about family dynamics in a digital world, such as how to talk to your teen about online safety.

Responsible Social Media Use for Teens

Today’s teens love social media as a way to connect with friends and share their passions and interests with others. However, responsibly using social media is something that goes beyond a teen with a new smartphone. Parents should help teens with responsible social media use because misuse can result in a range of issues and problems. Here are some topics that parents absolutely must make sure their teens know more about in order to become responsible social media users:

Privacy

The privacy settings on social media accounts are there for a reason—to prevent anyone from accessing someone’s information. Even though teens may think it is fun to share passwords and account names, they must understand that it opens up the doors for everything from harmless pranks to more serious violations of trust and boundaries. The only way for teens’ social media accounts to stay secure is to keep them completely private, allowing the privacy settings to do their job.

Permanence

Teens may view social media platforms as a way to express what they are thinking in the moment, connect instantly with friends and then move on—never gaining a full understanding of the permanence of information on the internet. Text messages, photos and more never really disappear once they are posted online. Teens should understand that they should never post anything online that they wouldn’t want everyone around them to see or read. A good rule of thumb on this is to think before every post if the content is something they would want their grandmother or their younger sibling to see. If not, don’t post it.

Bullying

Cyberbullying is a growing problem among teens that use social media, and extreme cases of bullying have contributed to teen suicide. Most teens report that they have witnessed some form of cyberbullying in the past year. In order to use social media responsibly, teens should have a clear understanding of what cyberbullying looks like and the steps they can take to get help in dealing with bullies before it’s too late. They should also know the steps to take to report any cyberbullying they witness. Recent laws enacted in many states have criminalized cyberbullying, so there are real consequences for these cruel action.

Monitoring

Part of a teenager’s understanding of the permanence of any data put out onto social media includes knowing that certain organizations use the internet as a resource. For example, law enforcement agencies often check out social media for more information and insight into illegal activities that teens document. Social media photos and texts can help law enforcement recreate timelines, prove alibis and more. Another example is a teen’s current school. The school might choose to monitor social media accounts to ensure that enrollment standards are being met. Finally, college admissions counselors have been known to gain insight, both positive and negative, into applicants by looking them up on social media. Teens should always remember that lots of organizations use Facebook to their advantage, so they should only post neutral or positive events.

Predators

A predators is anyone looking to take advantage of another.  Predators use social media to identify and build “relationships” with potential victims. Whether a predator is after financial information such as PIN numbers, or wants to pursue an inappropriate relationship, teens must be informed about a predator’s tactics. With chat rooms, texting, and private social media groups, it’s very possible for teens to carry on extended, intimate conversations with strangers without parents knowing.

Teens are likely going to use social media with or without a parent’s guidance. Therefore, parents should take the time to talk with them about signification issues related to social media and help them identify ways that they can choose responsible social media use.

Tyler Clark is a freelance writer with expertise in parenting, child development and family dynamics. He urges parents everywhere to teach their teens how to use social media responsibly.

The Importance of Forgiveness

In my private practice as a marriage, family, and child therapist, I often see patients who harbor ills done to them for what seemed like an eternity ago.  Obviously, there may be some things that were done to us in the past that we consider so heinous, that we may never find it within ourselves to forgive.  Fortunately, the aforementioned are usually few and the incidences that we still have not forgiven, once placed in the proper perspective, are issues that we still carry around with us, that could have been forgiven long ago. 

For it is important to note, that when we forgive, we do it as much for ourselves as for the person who wronged us.  As an example, in the divorce class that I teach at the college, the class is shown a statistic that shows that one third of the husbands and over fifty percent of the wives remain intensely angry at their ex spouses ten years after the divorce.  It would certainly be heartening to know that anyone having a dissolution of their marriage this year would have found a means of mitigating that anger so that in 2023, they are no longer imbued with such vitriolic feelings.

Many years ago I heard an apocryphal story that I have never forgotten.  There was an angel who offended G-d and was summarily banished from heaven until he could return with the most precious and meaningful thing in the world.  So he flew down to earth, entered a hospital room and grasped the last breath of a dying man; a man who was revered and loved by all for his generosity and humanitarianism.  With the last breath in his hand, he returned to heaven and showed it to G-d.  He was told that while it was precious and meaningful, it was not the most precious and meaningful thing in the world.  Disappointed, he flew back down to earth and flew into the hospital delivery room and captured the first breath of an innocent infant and once again presented it to G-d.  Again he was told that it was still not the greatest thing in the world. 

Now, totally bewildered, he flew back to earth and came upon a man who was approaching another man’s home to do harm to him for something that this man did to him many years ago.  With weapon in hand, he peered into the window and saw the man sitting on the floor surrounded by his wife and children as they were playing games.  It became quickly evident this man was loved and cherished by his entire family and in spite of what he may have done, he was still a good and loving person.  Outside, the man began to feel contrition and sorrow for the vindictive act that he was originally going to commit.  He fell to his knees and asked G-d to forgive him for the senseless crime that he almost committed and a tear began to cascade down his cheek. 

Just before it hit the ground, the angel caught it and flew back to heaven, presented it to G-d and told him he found the greatest thing in the world…forgiveness… where upon G-d agreed and readmitted the angel to heaven.

Walt Liebman, Ed.S.

In my private practice as a marriage, family, and child therapist, I often see patients who harbor ills done to them for what seemed like an eternity ago.  Obviously, there may be some things that were done to us in the past that we consider so heinous, that we may never find it within ourselves to forgive.  Fortunately, the aforementioned are usually few and the incidences that we still have not forgiven, once placed in the proper perspective, are issues that we still carry around with us, that could have been forgiven long ago.  For it is important to note, that when we forgive, we do it as much for ourselves as for the person who wronged us.  As an example, in the divorce class that I teach at the college, the class is shown a statistic that shows that one third of the husbands and over fifty percent of the wives remain intensely angry at their ex spouses ten years after the divorce.  It would certainly be heartening to know that anyone having a disolution of their marriage this year would have found a means of mitigating that anger so that in 2023, they are no longer imbued with such vitriolic feelings.

Many years ago I heard an apocryphal story that I have never forgotten.  There was an angel who offended G-d and was summarily banished from heaven until he could return with the most precious and meaningful thing in the world.  So he flew down to earth, entered a hospital room and grasped the last breath of a dying man; a man who was revered and loved by all for his generosity and humanitarianism.  With the last breath in his hand, he returned to heaven and showed it to G-d.  He was told that while it was precious and meaningful, it was not the most precious and meaningful thing in the world.  Disappointed, he flew back down to earth and flew into the hospital delivery room and captured the first breath of an innocent infant and once again presented it to G-d.  Again he was told that it was still not the greatest thing in the world.  Now, totally bewildered, he flew back to earth and came upon a man who was approaching another man’s home to do harm to him for something that this man did to him many years ago.  With weapon in hand, he peered into the window and saw the man sitting on the floor surrounded by his wife and children as they were playing games.  It became quickly evident this man was loved and cherished by his entire family and in spite of what he may have done, he was still a good and loving person.  Outside, the man began to feel contrition and sorrow for the vindictive act that he was originally going to commit.  He fell to his knees and asked G-d to forgive him for the senseless crime that he almost committed and a tear began to cascade down his cheek.  Just before it hit the ground, the angel caught it and flew back to heaven, presented it to G-d and told him he found the greatest thing in the world…forgiveness… where upon G-d agreed and readmitted the angel to heaven.

Walt Liebman, Ed.S., is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in South Miami, President elect of the Miami Dade Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and an instructor at Miami Dade College and can be reached at waltliebman@famtherapy.com or by calling 305.665.4177.

                 

WHERE DO RELATIONSHIPS GO WHEN THEY GO SOUTH?

Does that mean that relationships go to Miami or points beyond when there is dissolution of the relationship and couples become divorced?  Being a marriage and family therapist for twenty nine years, an instructor in the Court mandated Children of Divorcing Parent’s Course since its inception twenty years ago and for the past ten years a Parent Coordinator for the Eleventh Judicial Circuit, you wonder how far south do relationships have to go when divorce becomes imminent.  I have witnessed all too often the impact of what once loving couples now engaged in a “War of the Roses,” have upon each other and the real unwitting and innocent victims of  divorce…the children.

With our divorce rate hovering around fifty percent for first marriages and increasing approximately ten percent  for subsequent second and third marriages, these marital disruptions strain parent-child bonds (particularly between fathers and children).  One has to wonder why previous loving couples have to be so destructive  and blatantly malicious towards each other.

Divorce is not dissimilar to death.  In fact, it is a death, the death of a relationship as we once knew it.  Its rippling effect impacts everyone in the family as no one goes through a divorce unscathed, especially our children.  Sometimes, without even being aware of the irreparable harm that we are doing, we use our children as pawns in an attempt to retaliate against the other parent.

Statistics concerning children from divorced homes are foreboding.  They have a higher school dropout rate, arrest rate, incidence of divorce rate when they marry, and a higher teenage suicide rate.  The encouraging news is that it does not have to be this way.  No one is asking you to love or even like your former spouse, though, for your well being and especially that of your children, there must  come a time when you will have to learn to be civil and respectful of each other.  Your child’s well being, psychological, and emotional health is dependent upon this.  Not only will it enable you to better prepare for your future, it will enable your children to more effectively cope with their parent’s divorce, something that you as loving and nurturing parents want very much to do.  Unlike a death, you will continue to see your former spouse at school and religious functions, at your child’s extra curricular activities, graduations, and in all probability, at your child’s wedding.  In fact, one day in all likelihood, the both of you will share grandchildren together.

Remember, how well your children cope with the divorce is mostly predicated on how well you, as parents, handle the divorce.  While the relationship may have boarded a flight south, both of you have the power to disembark without your baggage and allow it to travel south by itself.  What a wonderful idea…unclaimed negative baggage on the carousel, remaining forever unopened.

Walt Liebman, Ed.S., is a marriage and family therapist in private practice in South Miami, President elect of the Miami Dade Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and an instructor at Miami Dade College and can be reached at waltliebman@famtherapy.com or by calling 305.665.4177.

Preventing Teen Drinking and Driving

Although statistics from the Center for Disease Control indicate that teen drinking and driving has decreased over the last 20 years, the problem is far from solved. To many of us, it may seem baffling that this is even still an issue.  After all the stories of death, injury, and prison time that surround drunk driving, how can teens even consider it?

A recent survey by USA Today revealed some startling survey results about what may be going on in the mind of teenagers when they get behind the wheel after consuming alcohol.  According to the results, 23% of teens admit to having driven under the influence of alcohol or drugs at least one time. What is truly shocking is that of this number, almost 20% believe that alcohol improves their driving. This number rises even higher with those who drive under the influence of marijuana, with 34% believing they are better drivers while high than they are sober. Clearly skewed perception is playing a vital role in the continuation of this epidemic.

So what can parents do to spread the truth about the deadly and permanent consequences that come with driving under the influence of any substance?

First of all, don’t assume that your kids already know all the dangers of drinking and driving, or that they don’t need to hear it again. Just because your teen learns about it once in a driver’s education class, doesn’t mean they don’t need you as a parent to continue the conversation. Don’t be a afraid to ask your teen probing questions such as, “Do your friends drink?” or “Have any of them ever gotten behind the wheel of a car after drinking?” If the answers are yes, thank them for being honest and then take a few minutes to lay out some real stories and consequences that have happened to teens who have driven drunk.  

Remind your teen about the Zero Tolerance law. They may think that getting pulled over after one beer will have no consequences, but in reality anyone under the age of 21 caught with any trace of alcohol in their system could face serious consequences, such as losing their license for three to six months.  

Another important step is to know and communicate with the parents whose homes your teen is going to. Over 28% of teens reported that they had consumed alcohol or drugs at a supervised party. Make a pact with the other parents that are hosting your teen and their friends to keep an eye on teens coming and going from their homes to ensure no one is leaving (or coming) less than 100% sober.

Even when your teen gets angry, embarrassed, or flat out annoyed with your efforts to prevent them from drunk driving, don’t ever give up. Someday, it could save their life.

By Crosswinds Caribbean Mountain Academy

Crosswinds is a non-profit organization that provides in-home family counseling and residential treatment for struggling teens. 

Communicating with Your Teen

When a child stops talking to his parents it can be an emotional struggle on the parents.  It often feels like the child doesn’t trust or want help from his parents.  This can be both frustrating and very worrisome for parents.  So why do kids stop talking and communicating to those they used to look up to and rely on in their lives?  Why is it so difficult for a child to see that parents have their best intentions in mind, and just want to help?  These are good questions that have plagued good parents for many years.

When a child is struggling to talk it often represents something very specific to the child.  Teenagers specifically are well known to not communicate directly, yet they may use many non-verbal communication styles.  In working with children Attachment Communication Training (ACT) can be quite useful.  The concept uses four steps in engaging with your child.  First, share this can be powerful to children to hear their parents talk about how they are feeling.  Make sure to be brief and concise, but honest in your sharing.  Be observant to your own body language and tone of voice when sharing.  Second, listen it’s important to be non-judgmental when doing this.  Again gauge your nonverbal communication and be sure to have an empathy attitude (putting yourself in their shoes) when talking with your child.  Third, re-state summarizing what they are telling you.  This helps the child feel like they are being heard and strengthens your ability to listen to them more intentionally.  Finally, feedback makes sure that the child expressing themselves in verbal communication gets a chance to tell their parents how listened to how they felt.  This shows the child that you value their opinion and make them a priority in listening to them and not just talking to them.

In working to have communication with a child it’s important to praise success.  When you observe even the beginnings of the communication you want from child affirm this in them.  Encouraging this behavior is not done through gifts or material possession, but is most effective through verbal and non-verbal approval in words and expression. As we build our children up in both praise and affirmation, they learn to respond to us better and become more comfortable in their communication with us.  Keep your intentions of getting your child to talk at the core of your communication interactions, and not having your child hear your thoughts on their choices. 

By Grant Anderson, M.A.

Grant holds a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from Trinity International University and has been counseling adolescents and families for nearly five years. Grant works with students at Caribbean Mountain Academy in the Dominican Republic, addressing therapeutic issues, such as attachment disorders, substance abuse, anger issues, and behavioral problems. He also has experience with adults and families, dealing with substance abuse and mental health issues. 

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Marriage & Couples Counseling: “And with this ring, I am ready to wed…I think”

“And with this ring, I am ready to wed…I think”

 BY WALT LIEBMAN, Ed.S.

What makes for a good relationship?  I often wonder that.  Can you spot the couple that has one as soon as you meet them?  Can you see it in the way they look at each other, in their touch, and how they speak with each other?  In spite of what the majority of the “how to have a perfect marriage” books say, it is not easily defined and unfortunately I find so many of these books repetitive, self serving and ineffective.  While the majority proclaim to have all of the answers, they obviously do not, else our divorce rate for first marriages would not be hovering around fifty percent for the past half century.

As a marriage and family therapist for the past twenty nine years and an instructor at Miami Dade College in courses covering relationships, marriage, couples communication skills and divorce, I have found that “good relationships” are not easily defined and in fact often may be a mystery in what makes them work.

What are the ingredients for an edifying, loving, and nurturing relationship?  Obviously we should start with the four basic ingredients: effective communication, trust, respect, and a willingness to resolve differences via compromise and negotiation enabling both parties to win.  If we enter into a relationship without all four, it is comparable   to erecting a high rise with cracks in the foundation.  Into the mixing bowl, let’s add dedication, commitment, picking and choosing your battles, and an agreed upon definition of romance, intimacy, financial responsibility and child rearing.  Lastly, and just as important, forget about the notion of adding the desire to change the other person.

While a relationship may be the most difficult task that we ever embark upon, its rewards may be tenfold as long as our expectations are realistic.  Unfortunately, some may think that it is similar to purchasing a new car, whereupon we open the door, smell and feel that rich soft leather, recline in our seats and take our forefinger to push that cruise control button, thinking that we will coast for the duration of our marriage.  If this is the case, we may find ourselves cruising into divorce court.  Sadly, the average length of marriage today is only eight years.  Once a year I have my physical examinations and every six months I visit the dentist.  I even bring my car in for servicing a couple of times per year.  Doesn’t your relationship merit the same care and consideration?  It is so very important to take preventive measures to periodically examine its status.  Seek your spouse’s opinion of your relationship and what you both can do to maintain its dynamic vibrancy.  Or, if you feel improvement is needed, you may want to consider enrolling in a marriage retreat, or entering marriage counseling.  Hopefully your objective is to resolve the problem, should one exist, in lieu of blaming the other. 

With all of these delectable ingredients, it has to taste better than…than chocolate mallow mar cookies.

Walt Liebman, Ed.S. is a marriage and family therapist and parent coordinator in private practice in South Miami and an instructor at Miami Dade College.  Additionally, he is a member of the Collaborative Family Law Institute and President-elect of the Miami Dade Association of Marriage and Family Therapists.  He may be contacted at waltliebman@famtherapy.com or by calling 305.665.4177. http://www.famtherapy.com